estella .

Saturday, April 22, 2006

when i said go, i never meant away.

Mass communication or mis-communication?

Am I sending out the wrong vibes? All I’m looking for is simply a platonic friendship with the guys. No, im not trying to lead anyone on. (Not intentionally at least.) I don’t even understand what’s going on now. So confusing, and no thank you. I would rather stay ignorant. =)) despo-ness to the extreme. It’s now that I find bp guys SUPER DECENT. At least you don’t have to think so much about what to say and how to react. Cause everyone’s like just buddies. Now everything is just so different. And I don’t like it. =( maybe it’s cause the guys are much more straight-forward and forthright about liking a girl. Or maybe I’m plain weird. Haha.

Damn that butt-hole who stole han’s stuff. U cheeken-with-a-damn-smelly armpit! Go flush your head down the toilet bowl please. Buay paiseh meh? I so wanna kick ur ass. Grr.

I hate to see my close friends unhappy. It makes me equally-if not more- unhappy. I hate to xiu shou pang guan. But seriously, how much can I do to help? I’m ashamed of myself. It was a rough day today and I just lost it. No control over my emotions, no control over what I say and do. It was simply a “ I-am-freaking-buaysong-now-and-if-u-piss-me-off-I’ll-give-u-hell” kinda attitude. I almost dao-ed hui’s frens. And they were innocent. I just couldn’t find the happiness inside me to smile and start conversations. Oh yes, is it just me? I feel so sick of saying “HI! My name is *** and u are? Oh, what school are u from? I’m from bp. What cca did u join? What cca do u want to join?” call me anti-social, outcast or whatever u wish. But I don’t wanna make new friends anymore. I am so sick of it. The same lines, the same routine. Clichéd would be the perfect word.

My worries compared to yours is negligible.

Being online today was hell. So many people to chat with, so hard to pretend that I’m fine/happy. I ended up closing every convo after giving single-word replies, hoping they would get sick of talking to me. But the convos just keep popping up. Sigh. And there’s no way to escape from it. Until I start telling my frens “ hey Im in no mood to chat today. Talk to u next time”. So yeah, sorry guys. I’m currently feeling down now. And the only reason I came online was to tell hengheng stuff and wait for huihui to come.(but he didn’t) so dui bu qi ah! I’ll be fine tmr. =) felt so fake just now while chatting. It’s obvious tt I’m not excited nor happy but I still used the “haha-s” and “!!!”. Oh well, old habits die hard. And I didn’t really want to affect my friends too. It’s amazing how naturally I put on a façade.

Hahaha. (?!)

The online persona. Don’t trust technology.