didi:" In this house there are two pigs. one is you, and one is me."
LOL.
mummy just told me just now that when i was young, i seldom cried. Haha. She said this while we were watching korean drama. what a weird timing right? lol. that's my family for you. full of randomness. x) anyway, she said that last time they put me in the stroller... and before anyone could catch hold of me, i was running so fast that i flew into the balcony. and the stroller crashed. cause the balcony is not level- it's a step lower. mum said the stroller overturned and my head hit the ground. BUT I DID NOT CRY! ahahaha. siao. unbelievable right? bad mum then said maybe i'm a bit retarded now cause when i was young i hit my head before. rah! hahaha.
then she said that i wasn't scared of injections too. my parents brought me to the nurse when i was young to take injections. Surprisingly, I did not cry. The nurse was shocked cause most kids would have cried. Heh. I thought it was something that I got used to as I grew older. Never knew that all this while, I wasn't afraid of injections. Tsk. No wonder when I said I thought injections were kinda fun, people said I was crazy. (: A bit weird. Ah, maybe it was really the knock on my head when i was a toddler.
In contrast, my brother cried the moment he saw the needle.
Haha. I suddenly remember how we often got punished when we were young. Two little monsters.
I remember how he was always the one crying and crying his heart out, begging mom not to hit him; how he always cries even before my mom hits him.
And how I was always the one watching him cry, and always the one who kept quiet when mom hit me.
I never cried cause of the physical pain. Sure it hurt like hell, but seeing my brother cry made me stronger in a way. Perhaps I hated being so weak, perhaps it was to the extent of scorn. Like I was stronger than that and would not crumble just so easily.
I was always the last to get off the hook. Because my brother begged and he knew how to make my mother's anger subside. He was good at it. Once she was about to cane him, and i don't know how he did it... but he managed to turn her anger into laughter and of course, he got off the hook. Because he begged, I didn't.
Thinking back, I guess I was rather prideful as a child. My mom would beat me really hard and yet, I never begged her.
However, I would cry really loud the moment my mom said something hurtful to me. Like, "I don't love you anymore". Or "you are a disappoinment to me. You are his big sister. You ought to be setting a good example. You know I have to punish you too even though you didn't do it."
Hmm... I guess this really shows that my bro and i are polar opposites.
For a person who hardly ever cried when she was younger, I wonder what's gotten into me now.
I
still want to be the little girl who doesn't crumble that easily, the little girl who wouldn't let the tears flow because she knows she is strong and she'll prove it.
I'm starting to understand why my mom said she likes me better when i was young.
Because I kinda share that sentiment now.
I love finding solace and comfort in the company of my dad, the arms of my mom.
I love having a brother who bothers enough to bother me each night about his daily random craps.
I love my family. =)
I'm glad that I still go running back to my mom each time I'm down.
Her hugs take away my fears, my sorrows and my worries.
Estella is not as weak as you think.
I miss being the carefree, happy-go-lucky child I was.
I know crying my heart out won't get me anywhere near him anyway.
Let me be the happy girl I once was.
Let me be the strong girl I once was.
Because there's still so many things to life to cherish,
so many people to love.
I will miss him. It's natural.
But I won't let this feeling overwhelm me.
I will worry about him.
But I won't be so stupid as to send him an email asking him how he is doing because it's not gonna help things. So what if I know how he is doing? I can't change anything.
I will still love him.
But I shall stop running back to him. I shall stop telling him those three words.
They were never proclaimations. Each time I said those words, I meant it. But if he never believed me, what's the use of these words? No one said that choosing to continue loving someone who's left means choosing sorrow too. I don't need to be sad and melancholic to prove that I love someone, do I? =) I know it may seem foolish but it's my choice. "Iloveyous" are uttered too many times and it's losing its meaning. everyone is proving me wrong. Some couples who seemed like they would last break up after a period of time. All those proclaimations (i love you forever, i want to marry you) seem to vanish thus. where did the love go? are promises meant to be broken?
I won't forget the fact that you promised never to stop loving me.
I won't forget my promise to you. I will be happy.
I choose to be.
From now on,
i will be strong.
because i know i am.
And all of our tears will be lost in the rain When I find my way back to your arms again
