i just like this picture alot. because it spells happiness =)
lucks for touching tmr dear.
i had bad dreams the whole night, and day.
Kept waking up, and then falling asleep. Only to get awaken by another frightening dream.
I hate this.
I dreamt of my grandfather who has passed away. I don't know why I have to be reminded of this. I remember the sour, musky smell of death in my dream. My grandmother had fallen from her bed. But luckily, she was cushioned by pillows and a bolster. My brother and I helped her up. She asked us not to touch my grandfather's bolster. I looked at the bolster, and I remembered my grandfather was dead. The smell of death was so strong; so overpowering.
I woke up, frightened. I had tears in my eyes.
I went back to sleep. And this time I dreamt about my hamsters.
My brother and I fed them. But somehow, they ran away from the open cage. And when we tried to catch them back, they bit us hard.
I dreamt of fighting fish, though I've never had any before.
In that dream, my brother fed the fish worms.
And I watched the fish attack the worms.
It was gruesome. But I continued watching.
I woke up again. And this time I did not dare to sleep anymore.
Thinking about these dreams, it seems to reflect how much I fear the day when the people (or animals) i love would leave me. And yet, they always do. My grandfather has passed away. My hamsters are dead. The recurring theme of death is so scary. I'm just afraid that more people would leave me.
The dream brought back childhood memories of my grandfather swinging me and my brother. I wish I could be that age again. I wish we were back at those swings, with him pushing us up high again. I wish I was that carefree; that happy. I felt safe and protected then. Like the world was my playground. If only happiness was so simple still- where how high you can go determines how happy you are. I wish he was still around.
Please promise me you wouldn't leave.Sorry, I decided to blog about this instead of my day because I just want to get it off my mind.
I'm not an emo freak. I'm okay. Do not worry. I will not be cutting my wrists anytime soon. =)
