good, but never good enough.
i try so hard, and yet everything still falls apart.
it makes me wonder time and again, why do i bother?
why do i make the effort?
but then i grit my teeth and say, "just one last time..."
it really makes me wonder
if being all alone is that bad afterall.anyway my grandmother(maternal) is sick again. diarrhoea. =(
my other grandmother (paternal) was super duper nice to me today.
she asked my dad not to stinge and to buy chicken essence for me. lol.
she said in hokkien to my dad, "your mother is talking to you! remember to buy for her!"
aww man i felt so touched.
she said if we don't have chicken essence at home, she will buy for me.
omg! i was pretty worried cause it's heavy and she's already 80 plus -don't want her to carry it around.
and so, i lied =/
i told her don't worry, we have at home. although we didn't have any, and i never ever drink it anyway.
ahhhhhh... imma bad girl.
but i feel so loved that she cares. and that's enough for me.
don't know why, but i feel very happy when i'm with my family these days.
perhaps i'm escaping from something; something that i don't wanna face alone.
but it feels good doing so. (:
i read this book today. about solitarity and being best friends with yourself.
it spoke of how so many of us are afraid to be alone, to experience loneliness because it reflects the fear of abandonment that's inborn. it's a survival trait that we never really outgrew.
when we were young, when our parents didn't show us enough love and concern,
or when they left us at a stranger's place so that they could work; we cried.
all these amounted to a feeling that we were being abandoned, and so we cried.
because we couldn't survive if left alone.
but as we grew up, this fear of abandonment never really left us. it became ingrained in us, as a feeling called loneliness.
why do we bring up memories when we are alone?
this is because we are afraid of being physically alone, and so we use memories of being with someone to block out that fact.
i empathise with this point, because it is something i do very often.
i admit, that i was (and am still) very afraid to lose the people i love.
but perhaps it's because of this very fear, that i chose to overprotect them too.
i don't like opening up to people, and sometimes more so if that person means alot to me.
if you are (or have been) close to me, perhaps you would agree.
you can tell me again and again that you want to share my troubles with me and yet it still gets to me. i will still think that i'm a burden and more often than not, after sharing a little, i just clam up again. it's just me. i've wondered why i do it, but i suppose it's just me. i feel really bad when i tell them unhappy things even though these people who love me back are more than happy to share my problems.
i overprotect the ones i love, because i'd rather have myself unhappy; because it just kills me to see them unhappy. i'm happy to listen, but i get all uncomfortable when i'm the one talking. i can see that if i share, the other party would feel important enough that i'm letting him/her in. just as he/she has done for me. and yet, i'm unable to. i don't know why this feeling of guilt is so strong, but i feel that i don't deserve so much concern. that i am not worthy enough.
to some, you may say that i'm selfless for always trying to care for others; for always listening when others need a listening ear.
but i'll tell you truthfully...
deep down, i know that i'm being very selfish.
all i want is to take, and never give back.
all i want is to get what i want from you, but i can't give what you want from me.
i feel quite hopeless in this sense.
i've been trying, but it's still so hard to open up.
and i do know that i can see things another way. but this is my point of view for now, thanks.
and so, i would like to say sorry to those people who have tried so hard to get me to open up; who have encouraged me to let the roles reverse so that they can listen to me for once. i'm truly appreciative of the efforts you all have put in. one part of me is now silently saying that i don't deserve all these wonderful people showing me concern, but i think i will mute that little voice for now.
i'm not emo. this is not an emo post.
i have emotions and thoughts, and i will blog about them if i want to.
thanks for not judging me, i mean thanks in advance. =)
ps: the book said that no matter what, people will still consider themselves more important than you. even your best friends.
hmm, food for thought? ;)
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rae: hello sugar! haha thanks :D nah, i didn't cut it. but my fringe was done by my mom! lol! :)) take care, you.qx`: heh, glad we talked more tonight. daily dose of qixin for me too! thank you, next time we can camwhore together. next time meaning, when school starts! Oh yeah ;Djolenethecrazybanana: your stomach is a monster lah! rah rah rah.=D we are the weird sisters. haha. my heart pumps to the left.joyce: just in case u didn't see the tag... hello i appreciate your efforts in keeping in touch! i hope you're doing fine. say "luv ya" to me someday! hee.ling: yah! it's super cheem. but her new song not bad! :)enli: WHOO! i miss you too! was good seeing you at the busstop. take care alright? hope to see you around too!
