What do you want to be when you grow up?
Each time a teacher or an accquaintance asks me this dreaded question, I'm stumped for words.
But why must we want to be "something" when we grow up?
I'm not saying it's not good to know what you want in life and work towards that goal.
But for those who don't know what they want in life yet, why are they often treated with disrespect and made to feel as though they are wasting their life away without a clear goal in their life?
What's with those lofty aspirations that we often make, but never seem to fulfil when we really do grow older?
I'd rather not. Anymore.
I recall how I told myself I would be something big when I grew up. Maybe a Doctor or a Lawyer.
I didn't know why either. I just knew that being a Doctor or a Lawyer meant you could earn alot of money, and make your parents happy.
That was when I was really young. Full of lofty aspirations and dreams.
Never once did I consider the difficulties I would encounter if I were to pursue these so-called "dreams" of mine, nor did I seriously think about whether it was something I really am interested in.
Shallow.
But as I reached secondary school, I realised that sciences and mathematical equations were not my best friends. I belonged to the arts side. And so, these "dreams" of mine vanished. Not that they mattered much to me anyway; since the only reason I wanted to be a Doctor or Lawyer was so that I could have an answer for the adults who ask me that question.
Funny though. That in Singapore, kids (okay the two-legged ones) are often encouraged to pursue these lofty dreams. I remember adults used to ask me this question, and I would say with much conviction, "A Doctor. I want to be a Doctor."
"Why so?" they would ask.
"So I can save many lives,"came my fast reply.
Then, they would pat me on my head and say, "Very good. Very good indeed. You'll earn alot of money next time and make your parents proud."
And that was all that mattered to me then. Silly, but true.
Anyway, I digressed. I was trying to say that in secondary school, I changed my mind and I told myself that I want to be a Hairstylist instead. Less restriction, more fun. Totally suitable for a person like me who couldn't ever figure out why we always had to draw silly curves and solve "log" or "sin" equations that didn't make sense to me. I was always more interested in spelling out words like "SINgapore" on the calculator, instead of solving the mathematical equation at hand though. Haha.
And so, a Hairstylist I wanted to be.
But then, as I reached Secondary Four, I guess things began to change.
Perhaps I matured alittle, and hence I started questioning the validity of these "dreams".
Perhaps I became more cynical, and my daydreams were being brought back to the harsh reality.
Perhaps I even started doubting myself, my abilities and what I can really do as a living that would interest me.
And with these subtle changes, I questioned and gave up the "dreams" I once had.
I was no good. No good at all.
Look at those Triple Science students.
Future Doctors and Lawyers.
If only I'd worked harder; or perhaps I'm just not that intelligent?
Whatever it was, I didn't want to find out the answer.
Look at those aspiring artists, working so hard so that their efforts could be recognised.
I wish I had their talent and their passion, so I would have something to work hard for.
But I didn't, and there was no way to fake it.
And so, I was pretty much the in-between child.
Not that useless, but not that fantastic either.
I could draw you a pretty nice picture, but only if I put in the effort.
I could probably remember some math formulae, but only if I bothered.
But the fact was, I didn't care anymore.
So many "dreams" questioned and dismissed.
I was demoralised.
And I proved that I didn't care that much just to make myself feel better.
I scraped through my exams.
Never good enough for commendation;
but not that bad to deserve condemnation either.
(except for my amath which I admit is totally ... )
So the question remains, what do
you want to be when you grow up?
Me?
When I grow up, I want to be happy.
you could very well be the person who changed my life =)
