If birds flying south is a sign of changes
At least you can predict this every year.
Love, you never know the minute it ends suddenly
I can’t get it to speak
Maybe finding all the things it took to save us
I could fix the pain that bleeds inside of me
Look in your eyes to see something about me
I’m standing on the edge and I don’t know what else to give.

i hate to be left hanging;
not knowing what to expect, or what to feel.
not being able to understand where the pain is coming from,
and why it's hurting so much.

i don't know what i should do anymore.
:)


that said, i went to visit my grandmother today.
my bad memory astounds me.
i couldn't remember which level was it,
so i decided to climb level by level to find out.

i refused to call my mother because she'll definitely laugh at me again.
haha. she'll poke fun at my poor memory and i just don't wanna prove her right :(
ah well, it was worth it because my grandma made bazhangs for me!!! :D
very happy indeed.

going there never fails to make me feel happy and at peace with myself,
and i was just thinking of how my grandma has become such an integral part of my life
that i wouldn't be able to take it if......
*choy!*
something happens to her.

she was just mentioning that my mom should learn how to make bazhangs because when she passes away, no one would make them for me anymore.
she said it matter-of-factly,
and that brought about violent objections from me.
i went, "BU YAO BU YAO BU YAO. ni bu yao luan jiang hua."
(dont want {x3} don't talk rubbish)
i said i wanted her to keep making bazhangs for me for a long long time.

but i knew i was being silly, because people die with old age.
i just can't stand the thought of losing her.
no i really can't.
because she's the one who's watched me grow up,
the one who saw me through so many stages of my life;
the one who taught me how to use chopsticks,
speak mandarin, and more importantly, to not give up easily when i meet obstacles in life.
because she's the one who influenced my life greatly.

but i'm not naive.
i know that many things in life are beyond our control,
and just because we want things our way doesn't mean it will necessarily turn out that way.
and so when the time comes for a loved one to leave me,
i think i'll have no choice but to find the strength to let go and move on.

sigh, you know how terrible i am at this? :((

and so, i think the hardest thing in life is letting go.
but we have to, we all have to.